8 Scariest Things a Sales Rep Can Hear

There are things that scare normal people. Bumps in the night. Turbulence in the air. A letter from the IRS.

But of course sales reps have their own list. After enough years carrying a quota, certain completely ordinary sentences produce an immediate physical response. Your brain starts running through every questionable decision you’ve made recently, most of which seemed completely reasonable at the time.

In honor of Salestober, here are nine of the scariest.

Things You Hear From Your Sales Manager

1. “Hey, can you hang back for a second?”

Uh-oh. What did I do?

Technically, we talked about business at that lunch. Not my fault lunch was at 7 p.m. at Ruth’s Chris.

And those appetizers...

Those appetizers were way smaller than they looked.

2. “I was looking at your activity numbers last night.”

Crap. Fantasy football HAS been a little intense lately. But how am I supposed to make my calls when Patrick is sending me trade requests three times a day?

And that trade was insulting, by the way. JSN and Josh Allen for his backup tight end and two guys he insists are “about to break out.”?

Things You Hear From a Prospect Right Before the Deal Closes

3. “One of the other bidders came back with something interesting.”

Interesting?! Dang it. I’m not interesting. Nobody taught me to be interesting.

I’m a vampire every Halloween. I get my wife a bathrobe every Christmas.

YOU WANTED PHONES. I OFFERED YOU PHONES.

What was I supposed to do, juggle?

Maybe I throw in lunch.

...better get that approved first.

4. “We’ve added one more person to the decision process.”

What?! I’ve been sucking up to Marge for six months.

Those donuts weren’t exactly free. Okay, technically they were on the company card.

Who’s this new person? Better not be procurement. Crap. It’s gonna be procurement.

I’ve been working the “side door” for six months.

This deal is not going to survive scrutiny!

5. “I’m actually leaving the company, but I’ve introduced you to Steve.”

Steve? Who. The hell. Is Steve?

Steve better not get in my face, cuz I’ll drop him.

...

You know what, give me Steve’s number.

I’m gonna call Steve.

Steve’s gonna love me.

Please let Steve love me.

Things You Hear From a New Client After Delivery

6. CALL ME ASAP

Your brand-new client took delivery this morning.

Your phone rings. You don’t answer.

You receive a text. CALL ME ASAP

Oof. I’m headed to the airport. Mexico is so nice this time of year.

Sombreros. Sunshine. Beaches.

Do they have extradition?

7. “I think there may have been some miscommunication during the sales process.”

Uh-oh.

I definitely remember saying something.

But don’t these clients understand the words “I think”?

“I think we can do that” is NOT the same as “we can do that.”

That’s why I put the “I think” in there.

Things You Hear From HR or an Internal Investigator

8. “Do you remember the Sales Conference in Denver?”

Oh boy. Denver.

Yeah... Vaguely. Best party I’ve been to all year.

Oh right. It wasn’t a party.

Four Manhattans on an empty stomach though.

I remember appetizers.

How much of Denver do you remember?

Happy Salestober.